Implicit did someone say

Indian culture is implicit. Sweeping statement to pass, but how often have we encountered a situation when those whom we hold very close to ourselves were expected to understand that wink, that little snigger, .... those eyes which were on the very verge of watering? The closer an individual is; the lesser the need for words, come to think of it language seems to be a proxy to communicate only with the 'outsiders'. Someone said,"Its far easier to plough in sand, but nothing grows, on the other hand try ploughing in clay and you've had it..." We, the humans in more ways than one lie in this spectrum from sand to clay. Everyone would want to believe that he/she is on terra firma vis a vis needed and appreciated communication, but it seldom happens beyond the formal/social gatherings. Later laddie...gotta go

The Void

All of a sudden, whoosh...its gone. It takes a moment to bat an eyelid, but this one hit me from nowhere. It feels good in a way, there is a sense of self pity and retrospection - Not about what could have been done right, but about being a good enough material to be on the shelf. Done with challenging the powers that may be...done with attempts to defy all authority and power. Its time to submit and without any whims at that. No threads attached. I beg for solace....sounds all theatrical but it pierces real deep, makes you swallow hard and with gumption. Clenched fists and eyebrows competing for room...signs of breakdown or the ego still persists to fight another day? An investment gone terribly wrong or loss of a person you'll regret all throughout your life? How many times have you regretted anything...apart from that wonderful home run (baseball). Love was defined not a couple of hours ago as - Letting someone weild the capacity to wreck oneself in any which way with a hope or belief that she would not. Well she has.....and the effect is not all that bad.....dear dear - blasphemy..I've been trying to tell myself for more than a year now that this is it and all you have to say is - not all that bad????? Careful laddie...careful with words...for words have played traunt with you....who would know better :-)

Then Now and After

Nov 18 - Dec 2, only these many days, but whats been life upto? As KP invited me, a sense of self pity rose within behind the veiled smile - his act was cocking a snooke at all I had planned, at all I had hoped for. The grind was no more so simulating, a trip to home didn't ease matters and then happened - yesterday. Emoticons they sell on every other page, such frivolity of human mind should be punished, for they know not their JAVA scripts trivialize the spectrum of heart. "I am ok" and you follow it up with a smile, either I've completely lost it or you must be joking Mr. S. Its not OB to reiterate the fashionable I'm Ok- u r Ok trivialization of sentiments. We live in hard times, we need to see through the facade be it from the sound the pebble makes when it hits the surface of water or be it sentences which are used without any thought. It shall ease out and the proverbial true calling will manifest itself right here, right in our midst - but it shall take time and we have no choice to bid our share of it. I should not love langauge, it hurts and wounds and leaves me with no explainations when people seek answers to questions they create. Helpless and tired I sit, staring at a screen which reads - Compassion denotes deep awareness of the suffering of another and the wish to relieve it: “Compassion is not weakness, and concern for the unfortunate is not socialism” (Hubert H. Humphrey).

Rush Hour

DB dinner in about an hour and a half from now, followed by GS dinner. Immortal names in the world of money and power. I do not know if this is what I want to do, definitely my mouth is not watering at the prospect of 5 star dinners, neither is the idea of a compulsion to 'please' them quite entertaining. It feels kinda awkward to be running behind something which at the end of the day will ruin my plans to settle down and lead a quite life for sure, yet the ego, the self says this is what matters here. "What matters here" has always been the key. There shall be a day when I will get over it.......get over the desire to be praised, to be admired, to be envied, to be hated.....will get over it. for the time being...Lets fight it out Dude.

Deepawali and Me

14 baras ke vanvas ke uprant jab Shri Ram Ayodhya pahunche tab Ayodhya Nagari ne unka swagat depon ki avliyon se kiya. Us prakash ne har burai har tamsik bhawan ke andhere ko mano samapt kar diya.

You've been everywhere, you've met them all, you've over 100 numbers stored in your cell, and today when all that a stranger craves for is a returning smile from the unknown crowd - you sit alone in the eerie tranquil of your room, punctuated by the rain drops lashing heavily on the balcony door. A concious choice? May be not, may be its the equilibrium which needs to set in at some point of time. You have been a Ravan in more ways than one, you've been a Ram too(some would say), probably its time to celebrate a Deepawali well within you, to cleanse what has been gnawing at your conciuos slowly but steadily. Do you need the touch of her hand or the feel of his hug for that? Do you need to see those stary eyes staring deep into you clueless and frightened, or the stretch of the hand which has been asking you since time immemorial - "Till when Kanu, till when?" Yes you need them, as someone quite unknowingly touched the finest of your secrets not long ago at CT, the subconcious knocked again and said - You Need Them. Its not being weak, its not being shallow, its about being human.

It was you who has had those lofty ideas all this while, you can't let a bunch of 'achievers' walk over them, you can't let red bricks dictate the path of your life. Agreed its Deja Vu, so what, this is not the first of its kind. Relax and recline for the earth smells like heaven and droplets feel like nectar, its your Deepawali..........love it.

So whats an I Bank? A practical mint? A whorehouse? The ultimate abuse? With almost 200 supposedly brightest brains of the country lining up and spending sleepless nights to grab those elusive offers, an I bank should be much more than this :-) Why is it then that I can't bring myself to break free from the shackles of traditional thinking and give in to the idea of working weekends, 18*7 , earning more than my grandson may spend, buying an island and burning off by the time she gets 28? There should be someone to help me out of this, get me to my true calling and gently leave me there, someone to sit before me wrapped in a brownish shawl in the middle of a smoky, cold evening and telling me - Mr. Misra!! This, is what you are supposed to do and not run behind money, there is nothing feminine about it. That someone will probably one day find some time and stroke the uneasiness out of my mind. There are so many dichotomies existing simultaneously that its almost impossible to comprehend my needs and requirements - brute force may work. What wonder can a hug do? Ask me.....please ask me. It brings you out of the reverie called life and assures you that there is much more to your existance than what you can possibly think. Jo ek sookhe darakht mein bhi jaan daal de vaisa hai voh lagav, voh hansi, voh haath pakadkar bagal mein nikalte logon se door kheench lena, woh samundar mein baithate sooraj ko dekhte huye nariyal pani peena - bina kuch bhi bole, bina kisi shabd ke, bina kisi aahat ke.....

That Evening

It was about half past 10 and I sat before the audi - mesmerized, short of words, staring deep into those eyes, trying to find a vocal relief in the deafening silence of the desert which spread itself all around us. She had just read a script written in invisible ink. I had allowed myself to follow the piper as she went her way stroking the canvas of the last two years with an amazing grasp over dates and events. She is Good!!
It was half past 4 when I woke up with a start to prepare what was to be the most shabby breakfast ever done in the history of mankind..........I think I need someone's permission to continue with this. Do I have one?

The Tele Deluge

Got up with a start - The inferal tel was at it again. A potpourri of messages from every which direction. M gets to hobnob with N, PT reports a slight hitch in the meet they had today with the Vada, a missed call from the Malviya stables, MNK with a Q - "When r u ever available?", and we managed to miss the HR meet, so much for the management we seem to be picking up with every passing second. People are hard pressed for time so much so that a 10 minute transit's due opportunity cost is calculated, parametrized and more often than not found vey very high.

Its easing on, on me. The pace has slackened, no not from the other end!! Its just that if one were to hit the road running the ensuing events would turn out to be that much more comforting than hitting it rock solid. Have to tell V about it, can't bring myself to his candid levels here, there still seems to be that feeling of standing put in the middle of a cross with traffic going very slow all around you, always prepared to come to a halt if u were to make a single move.

Is raat ki subah abhi door hai

There are times when Kafka stops making sense and the old reliable fails to bring the smile back. The irony being that thousands would die to get into a situation like this, and here I am caring two hoots for the entire web around me. A web which provides me everything from the mundane physical comfort to a prosaic intellectual stimulation, everything but that elusive peace of mind. Does Geeta really address this issue and how relevant are its teachings today? Very much as PC would put it in his characteristic profound fashion or the nonchallant "take a hike" from Karcot.